Mapping Diligence

I would like to meet the person who feels they are absolutely on the right path, every moment of every minute. Really, we all need some moments of check and balance. Self reflection is truly a powerful tool.

I think of my husband who has always known what he wanted to do for a living. Never questioned it, never veered off course, though the road has provided some treacherous driving conditions, he has been alert at the wheel. Often it's been slow and steady, plodding toward his ultimate course. Sometimes he doesn't see the big picture behind each decision or detour, but the ultimate destination remains the same. I doubt he factored in all the variables yet he adapts and makes adjustments and keeps on expanding and growing and inching ever forward.

Diligence. That attribute I yearn for, is something I see in my partner. Let me not make light of his journey by making it sound easy, it has not been, and the challenges he has faced and still faces are his own. I simply want to share that this is something I admire in him and a lesson he teaches me without even knowing he does.

I think of myself. I'm on a road also, though sometimes it has not been my path. I can be the caretaker of other roads other than my own. It's in my nature to choose the path of the person I love over my own, not because they make me, but out of my own desire to nurture and care-take.

I think of the abandoned girl I have been. Stuck and lost on the road of my Mom after her death. Down in a dark hole, but still trying so despairingly to move forward on my Dads path well after he was gone from this world. I have tried to be the vehicle on abandoned roadways and it's a lonely, crumbling existence. I have been the curator of beautiful things in a world no longer breathing, to honor their memory, out of love and fear and longing and despair.

This in itself is it's own form of Diligence. You can't tell me it doesn't take dedication and follow through to wake up every day and tow that sad line. The problem is it doesn't move you forward. You are only traveling on road that "has been" and never can become something more. It is an impossibility. Quite literally you become someone who no longer is, but who once was.

My road again came up to meet me when my dreams of motherhood were challenged and the choice of a big family of my own making became an impossibility. Being a mother of one, providing a child to a man who wanted children, having no maternal arms to share my singular happiness with, sent me careening on a road padded in pillows, not wanting to be broken, not wanting to take any risks. A view of where I've been, rather than where I'm going.

But here I sit, with the attribute of diligence a sign post on my roadway. Diligence, 345 km ahead it reads. Maybe when I started it said 600 km. I'm moving. This road is of my own making. This old vehicle doesn't feel alone and jittery on the road anymore. In the rear view mirror I see the sites of some massive accident scenes, but the road has since been cleared and traffic can again move. Truly in this moment, I feel fueled by a wonderful husband, motivated by an amazing girl, cheered on by true friends. I might be a slower car, but it will get there. I know it, and that's a welcome change.

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