Maybe wholeness means a little bit more, maybe wholeness, my dear can't be bought from a store.

i feel like all i want to do is create. stories, paintings, drawings, gifts, pretty things, messy things, long run on sentences that sweep across countless pages. i live with this constant tension, pulling me to this little cave of creativity, down away from the world, into a world of my own. i know i need other outlets, i know other things are required of me, even if i have no desire to see them done.

my house is calling me from little messy corners, from cluttered counters and filled up sinks. but i don't want to listen. giving my energy to these duties, depletes my energy for creativity. i am stingy with where it is spent. clothes need washing, food needs preparing, loved ones need loving. i am needed as a mother and as a wife. i appreciate those who need me. i appreciate the needs of my inner spirit also.

christmas boxes are sitting, dusty and unopened in every open space of this tiny house and i dare not begin, because it will take me away from what i long to be doing. i feel a sense of excitement for christmas but this year could care less about the decorations and baubles associated with the holiday. maybe in a week i will want more, maybe i never will, and will decorate because my family needs more and i'm okay with that.

i am dreading the parties associated with christmas. i often feel invisible. i think many of us do. alone in room of communication, where nothing of great importance is being communicated. i have become frustrated with my role as a listener and my role as communicator is equally deplorable. people ask, nikki, what do you do all day? i rarely know where to begin. my day was hugely interesting to me and fulfilling but how do i tell them that in a way that is understandable? how can me saying, "i spent the afternoon writing about the inside of a forgotten drawer."be interesting. it is to me, but that's because i know the significance of the drawer. or i drew a picture of my daughter that looked like her, but i missed that part of her that i don't know how to draw with my pencil.

does finding wholeness mean i have to do the stuff i don't like first and the stuff i do like last, or vice versa? does wholeness require a pay stub? does it require constant productivity and gold starred to do lists? does it require me to be interesting in a crowd?

holy crap, i hope not. cuz, we'd be in tru-ble!

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