Showing posts from August, 2004
I have a photograph of my mother that I love. She is youthful, vibrant and lovely. I've often wanted to meet the woman in this picture.

She passed away at the age of 43. Frail and exhausted from her battle with Multiple Schlerosis. Her image no longer vibrant and youthful. Her body beaten and riled with disease but her eyes still hungry for more life and knowledge. Its hard to see someone die when they have tried so very hard to live.

I have another picture that I treasure. It is of the two of us. I'm an infant and she is looking down at me in my baby carrier with enormous gentleness and it is as if the world is shining down upon me. Memories are so faded now, some 17 years after her passing. I've lived more years without her than with her and I wonder if I knew her at all. I wonder if she ever existed, the memories are so distant and obscure.

I'm somebody's mom now. And yet I still want a mommy of my own.

I hate having these needs and feelings. …
I had an experience that made me wake up and take notice of life that is spinning by my window overlooking the world. On Saturday August 7th, as I was falling asleep I felt a burning sensation along my left side. It wasn't overpowering but it wasn't a feeling I had felt before. I then felt a numbness spreading along the length of my right side and up my neck. I leapt out of bed, so alarmed and concerned over this sensation. It did not last long, in fact it was over seconds after it started, but I couldn't forget the sensation. I started feeling short of breathe and immediately assumed I was having a stroke or a heart attack.

So scared to be alone, I flipped on the bedroom lights and went running into Russyl's arms. Crying and shaking, I explained to him what I had just experienced and asked for a blessing of healing. He was shaken and concerned, and through his grogginess agreed to assist me anyway he could. The blessing was brief and to the point. I felt i…